Bally Total Fitness is Run by Cold-Blooded Reptilian Vampire Parasites

I really hate Bally Total Fitness. I'm going to tell you exactly why.

Before I go on, you should know that I am a member of Bally Total Fitness, unfortunately. I can't stop until next June, because my GYM has me locked into a BS multi-year contract. I am an idiot for having signed it, but never in a million years did I think it could be as big of a joke as it is. And yes, I do have a motivation to insult them on the internet in secret hopes that they will be pissed at me and kick me out of my contract (which would be sweet, sweet relief). Alas, I doubt that this organization could ever do anything so positive for a human being.

First of all, let me delve into how CHEAP Bally Total Fitness is, as a corporation. Over the course of my contract, I will have given Bally Total fitness upwards of $1,100. I will use their often broke-ass treadmills, search for one open bench on a wednesday afternoon because they only have three, and wait 3-4 minutes every time I want to do a simple pull-up, just because they only seem to want to put pull-up/chin-up bars in when they are a part of those rediculous total-gym contraptions that hilarious dudes always do tricep extensions on in the strangest positions known to man. I will try to swim laps in their pool, which is always kept at way too warm a temperature to do much of anything other than float, and even more often than that, isn't clear enough to see through when you are swimming. I would have even frequented their sauna and steam rooms from time to time, but, well, an employee told me about what happened in one of those one week, and then said "that stuff happens here more than you'd ever imagine." OKAY. Case closed already, right? Well just wait.

Again, remember, I'm a $1,100 customer. A while ago I threw my wallet into the trash by accident, freak thing - great story - but the point is, i salvaged everything except my Bally's card. It was gone in the trash. I told a woman working the counter about losing my wallet in the trash, and that I could use another membership card. She found my profile (which says PLATINUM member on it btw) and we laughed about the story. She took my picture, then printed out the card on the .08 cents of plastic that it is printed on.

"Ten dollars please."
"Excuse me?"
"The new card will be $10."
PAUSE. PAUSE.
"Are you putting me on?"
"Er, no sir."

I was baffled. You have a $1,100 customer who pays you guys more than $1.25 a DAY just to use the place (which I couldn't possibly get to everyday even if I tried). Mind you, thats supposed to be a deal to them -- and you are going to charge him $10 for a new card to USE at the gym that you are trying to get him to stay at? Don't you WANT him to extend his bullshit contract another crappy 2-3 years? Why would you needle him, especially since he notices the indignant sneers the "personal trainers" give him when they watch him do exercises and routines that include elements that they have never seen before or tried before. Sometimes, they even say something "Why are you doing that exercise?"
"I learned it at IMG academy when I was in athletics. It's great."
"You could get hurt doing that you should stop."
"I've been doing this for 7 years."
GLARE - Walk away. Way to go, personal trainers. As if I wanted to hire you to run some overpriced workouts for me anyway.

Oh yea, and about these personal trainers. News flash, they charge over 80 BUCKS a workout, at least many of them do. And they try to get everyone to sign up for them, IMMEDIATELY, when you become a member. They pretty much make you do a "free workout" right away, and then you have to sit in a room and listen to a schpiel for 30 minutes, at which the end is them circling you and pressuring you to sign up. NO WONDER i see so many sheepish people who don't know their head from their behind sign up for those things. HOLY COW - "Welcome to Bally Total Fitness! Come in here for your free Spanish Inquisition!!"

And what do you get for 80 BUCKS a lesson (1 hour)?

This is the qualifications for a personal trainer at Bally Total Fitness - right off their website:

Personal Trainer
We are looking for enthusiastic, professional and knowledgeable personal trainers for full and part time personal training positions. As a member of Bally Total Fitness’ personal training team you will assess, motivate, and educate your clients through personalized nutrition and exercise plans that you help create. Flexible work schedules are available.

Job Requirements
A high school diploma or equivalent, plus a company recognized personal training certification (within 90 days of hire) or a bachelor’s or masters’ degree in fitness related field.


OR a college degree in their field? Are you serious!! For 80 bucks an hour you BETTER be an expert. You better not be someone who is good at exercise (or if you've seen some of these people, some that aren't) and took a 90 day training class.

OH YEAH - and this training class doesn't even have to be put on by an outside certification program or an accredited collegiate movement science/kinesiology program.

THEY RUN THE CLASSES THEMSELVES IN THE BUILDING. And how long do you think that the training program lasts? Well I would guess it isn't more than 90 DAYS. People go to college for 4-7 years to earn that kind of money. I'm not saying these people should be paid some money to help people work out: you can learn something in 90 days, but all you can really be at that point is a really educated workout partner. No way can you diagnose correct lifting positions, identify physiological strengths and weaknesses, accurately assess minor injuries and implement rehabilitation routines, recommend flexibility, strength, and cardio-vascular workout regiments and develop explosive power and energy in a wide wide wide range of people in a 90 day class. And yes, that is the service extent that you should expect when you are signing up for upwards of $800-1000 worth of lessons - if not much more!!!


BUT - my hatred doesn't stop there. That isn't even what makes me the most upset. They could have overpriced trainers, bad machines, crowded lockerrooms, and other maladies, and they still wouldn't be that much different than some gyms (aside from being more expensive).

NO NO NO, what really really makes me sick is that they are selling people FOOD and DRINKS in the facility. Yes, you can buy BallyBlast energy bars, energy shakes, and other various (and for 99% of the people in the club TOTALLY WORTHLESS) products. You can even buy body-building compounds and steriod-like products (very shady supplement stuff) for the guys who think they should do that. There ARE SHAKE MENU's over some of the water fountains! (IF you can actually find a water fountain in the club - the Schaumburg, IL Bally's only has ONE that men can access, and it is legitimately RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SHOWERS -- real convienient)

What they REFUSE to tell people is this:

This may come as a shock to many of you - but you need to hear this. 85-90% of the people in the gym are NOT WORKING HARD ENOUGH to get any benefit out of a shake or an "energy bar". Let me give you the facts: there are good things in those, stuff that is healthy. BUT, they are calorie/energy rich, often times with 300-500 calories in some of those shakes. If you do this at the gym:

ride the eliptical for 30 minutes, or
walk on the treadmill for 30 minutes, or
do about 1/3 of your workout stretching and doing light dumbbell work, or
work up a light sweat and feel winded when you are done for the day...

YOU ARE EXERCISING. YOU ARE NOT TRAINING. Exercise is GREAT! Everyone should do it! HOWEVER, it burns about...300-500 calories an hour, maybe up to 600-700 if you are a bigger person. What you should do when you are done exercising is drink a lot of water, possibly have a SMALL snack (granola bar, 120 calories, apple, 60-80 calories, or a banana ~ 100 calories) and REST. Then, about an hour-2 hours later, when you inevitably get hungry, you should make a healthy meal. THIS WILL RESULT IN MODERATE, CONSISTENT WEIGHT LOSS FOR ALMOST EVERYONE AND PROBABLY HELP THEM ACHIEVE WHAT THEY WANT - WHICH IS LOSE UNWANTED POUNDS.


Protein Bars. Big Energy Bars. Energy/Protein Shakes. Creatine/Supplements. THESE ARE FOR PEOPLE WHO TRAIN.

You can tell people who are TRAINING. They are lifting weights, for at least 45 minutes, anywhere from 1X-3X their body weight depending on the exercises. multiple sets, multiple reps. They are running or biking until they are DRIPPING WET. They are doing sprints, doing squats, stretching in the beginning, stretching at the end, and definitely showering and changing when its all said and done. This is more than exercising. People who are training are usually doing so for some athletic pursuit, personal fitness goal (such as having <7-8%>Also - you can bet people who TRAIN know if they need a protein shake or an energy bar or some other supplement combination. They ALREADY KNOW. They don't need a menu over the water fountain. In fact, they probably already brought their own stuff to the gym anyway.


So Bally's - STOP TAKING ADVANTAGE OF the average guy or girl who walks into your gym. They will spend $4 on your stupid stuff everytime, because you are telling them its healthy and that they should. You might be giving them good nutrition, but you are giving them way too much of it and too many calories, and you are just keeping them from succeeding at what they are setting out to do to begin with.


Okay, one last thing. The company's latest promotion is a "2 Week free membership".

Okay, guys, just stop. This is rediculous. Again, off the website - let's look at the 2 week free membership:

Your free 2-week Bally Membership includes:
Usage of the Bally Total Fitness or Bally Sports Club of your choice.

- DUH!
Access to all Group Exercise classes including Cardiovascular, Resistance Training Toning, and Flexibility workouts and specialty classes such as Pilates, Boxing, and more

- Okay, Duh again.

Access to our new online weight loss program, Built To Fitsm, the perfect balance between nutrition, exercise and support.

A promo for all of the FOOD and DRINK you guys are selling! Let me guess, you are going to design a diet that includes a bunch of stuff you can buy from Bally's !?

A 1-hour one-on-one session with a Ballysm Personal Trainer where they will help you: (oh this should be good...)

Determine your current body composition by measuring your Height, Weight, Body Fat
Percentage and Resting Metabolic Rate (RMR).
The have a scale and a ruler! And they will pinch you, and tell you what you already know, if you are fat or not.

Assess your fitness levels with 3 nationally standardized tests
Cardiovascular Endurance – FIT Test - a treadmill around 5.0 mph. Hard for some I'm sure, but you could tell that just by looking at someone. Not an eye opening experience.
Muscular Fitness – Curl-Up Test - Curl you arms up. Okay, great!
Flexibility – Sit and Reach Test - what you all did in 5th grade

Experience a dynamic workout including High-Intensity Exercise, Calisthenics and Plyometrics,
Your trainer knows some exercises! Actually, this is probably the only thing I can think of so far that actually could potentially benefit a customer in this 2 week trial.

Small Apparatus Exercise and Active Recovery - Fancy terms for being told to keep moving throughout the workout.

Cool down with a relaxing partner-assisted stretch - This sounds creepy.

Gain access to the knowledge you need for your own Total Fitness plan.
You will be shown a pricing sheet for the lessons, then recommended to get them regardless of how in shape or out of shape you are.
*expiration date as it is printed on guest pass


Bally Total Fitness is an organization most interested in sucking every last penny out of the people that work out there. They are taking what could be a great service and making it shady. They don't spend the money they make on keeping the clubs clean or laying them out effectively. They don't have enough space between machines, and they don't make good use of the space they have. They try to hire too many under-qualified people in the business of making huge bucks on mediocre-at-best workout plans, instead of hiring less people who are MUCH more qualified to help people do absolutely anything they want to. They should keep the people they hire, but they should be there for spotting lifts when you need it, or getting you a towel. They are using their powers to actually hinder members' personal goals (again, average member is a person who exercises and just wants to lose weight) instead of help them along as much as they could.

I just want to say, to anyone out there that is a trainer at Bally's - I know I make you sound terrible in this, and I'm sorry. I actually don't have anything against you guys - in that I'm sure given time and a fair business plan, you guys could all be great, adequately compensated trainers some day. However, the situation your company puts you in makes you guys look like nothing more than used-car/fitness-product salespeople.


This is why I hate Bally Total Fitness. God bless humble, local rec-centers.